E-cigarette batteries: the Shocking Truth

E-cigarette batteries: the Shocking Truth

The real dangers of e-cig batteries EXPOSED!

Today two national newspapers carried stories about horrific injuries caused by exploding e-cigarette batteries.  They are just the latest in a series of unfortunate events which have hit the headlines recently.  Our intrepid reporter felt an obligation to investigate this dangerous modern phenomenon, and has unearthed a series of shocking truths about e-cigarette batteries.

They are the same as other batteries.

Given the apparent level of menace they have caused in recent months, we were most disturbed to discover that e-cigarette batteries are just like other batteries. They have a positive terminal at one end and a negative terminal at the other, which, when a conductive loop is created from one end to the other, allows a live electrical circuit to form.

Putting unprotected batteries in a purse/pocket/bumbag may create a circuit.

Especially if you have other conductive materials in there.  Especially metals.  Like coins.  And keys.  Remarkably, those physics lessons we ignored at school may have had some splinters of truth hidden amongst all the rules and bluster.  It turns out, that if you connect the positive and negative terminals of a normal household battery with conductive material, it may in fact do what it is designed to do: produce a flow of electrical current.

Electricity can be dangerous.

Normally, electricity might seem quite safe when wired in to the walls of your house by a trusty fellow you found at the agora/in the Yellow Pages/ on Craigslist/Gumtree/ whatever today's modern kids do.  Our investigations reveal that in certain circumstances, it may, in fact, be somewhat dangerous.  Like in an uninsulated circuit.  Getting hotter and hotter.  In contact with your leg. "We are disgusted to find that electricity is being allowed to run riot outside the appropriate channels dedicated to it.  The government must act now to stamp out this menace.  Lightning, so-called 'static' electricity and portable 'battery' devices must be banned before the death toll rises." -Dr Marjory Broadbrain, Institute for the Admonition of Public Servants

Batteries which could be used for many other things must be labelled 'e-cigarette batteries' in bad news stories.

The nation depends upon it. The hard working journalists of our national newspapers are careful to weigh the important factors in a story. They realize that the fact the batteries involved could be used in vaping devices gives them a moral obligation to describe them as 'e-cigarette' batteries. The fact that they could be used in myriad other devices is overshadowed by the fact that any chance to highlight vaping in news stories must be pounced upon. This is of critical importance, because our under-siege print newspaper industry cannot survive without demonising harm-reduction activities such as vaping and linking them to bad news in any way possible, however misleading the emphasis. We would be a shadow of the nation we are without the moral fibre provided by our upstanding newspaper industry. If painting vaping in a bad life is required to provide precious oxygen to this industry, it is a small price to pay for the lives lost by leading people back to tobacco. "Better the devil you know. It is better to commit to dying of cancer predictably by smoking tobacco, than to face a lifetime of night terrors worrying about the curiously unspecified risks you read about vaping in the daily papers." Kylie Dunnogue, United Notions Tobacco Ambassador.

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